Hey you! No, not YOU, him. Shut up, I'm not talking to you! Part 1

*Sigh* Where do I begin? How would anyone begin? How do I begin to explain just the first part of this steaming pile of unadulterated, hardcore FAIL?

I'll begin at the beginning.

I logged into Gaia, updated my avatar into my cutest outfit (that also had a cow plushie ;P Connie, Sasha, hold back those tears of mirth), and chatted up Connie about starting a crew.

Connie was just ditching some idiotic crew (which she should really post about since I feel like I'm doing all the work. *nudgenudge winkwink coughcough* AM I BEING TOO SUBTLE??), and we thought that surely we could round up a group of non-n00bs from our stock of pwn-some friends. And we were right. At least to a point.

Sasha was there at the gate, which was a relief since it's easier to crew with three people already in the group. I dunno why but two just doesn't get anyone motivated. Anyways, after Sasha got in, we almost had to beat the rest off with a stick.

Me: "DMS 3 spots. No N00bs."

All the rest of the players in the area: "ME! CREW ME! No, crew meeehh. Oh, Poe, plzzz add me."

And I was like "Oh hewlz naww. Bishes back up; I distinctly remember saying no n00bers."

I ended up crewing two people that were okay and then.......him. I take all the blame for recruiting him, of course; I should have done some screen testings, CAT scans, ink-blot tests, and an actual conversation first. But I didn't. And I plagued us with him.

Takeda Ninja.

I'm not sure if that's exactly how he formatted his username but that is exactly how you say it. And I really should have known. It really was an oversight. Any loser that has the word "ninja" in his or her name is a fapping otaku weeabo idiot. And that's would've been perfectly fine if he wasn't also a fapping otaku weebo idiot that can't read or follow obvious instructions.

Jesus H. Christ taking body shots off of Mary Magdalene in a bar on Sunday, it's not like we were typing in Sanskrit! I had Sasha doing the buff assigns (since buff assign is one of the many things that I fap up epically every-time I try. Like frying fish and riding a bike.) and the moment she got to Takeda Ninja, it was like a deaf person in Russia trying to communicate to a blind person in Where-the-heck-istan through Native American smoke signals.

(approximately the same spelling errors as the original for maximum hilarity)

Sasha: "I see you still have the same crappy buffs you always have on. : / "

Takeda: "Oh, right. I'm sorry. Wat should I get."

Sasha: "(Insert buffs that I can't remember)"

Takeda: "OK" *doesn't go to null to change rings*

Sasha: "Go change your buffs!"

Takeda: "Yes. buffs. I have Iron and Dense."

Sasha: "I told you to change those already. Go change them. We already have those."

Takeda: "OK." *doesn't even move*

Sasha: *headdesks repeatedly* "If I had lead I would kick you right now."

Takeda: "Sorry. Wat buffs." *doesn't go anywhere*

Me: "Sasha I've given you the crown lol"

You get the gist of it. I'm sure Sasha was inventing creative ways to flay him alive but if she was, she didn't share with me.

Takeda Ninja. Drop dead. Please. Pretty please. Heck, you don't even have to make it pretty, just die.

Method of demise:

- Internet virus somehow mutates the werewolves of DMS into real creatures that force themselves through his computer to shred him to pieces.

-His body is then ravaged by aforementioned werewolves that also happen to be into homohomo buttsecks.

-His mother finds his body and is so disgusted that she saves him further humiliation by setting him and his computer on fire.

The End. Enjoy your afterlife, moron. Come back as a cockroach and fulfill your true calling.

~Pie
Poe

(oooohhhh this one was really mean...)